Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
