The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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