i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
