Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
