Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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