I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
