I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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