Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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