I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
im holly from the hills drunk
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
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