I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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