I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Randomize
