Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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