Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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