I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
