She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
