i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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