your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
