youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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