I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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