you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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