I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
