Will you blow on my dice?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
