Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
