My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
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