WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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