i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
