k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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