i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
