We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
