you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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