We're facebook friends in real life
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
