Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
