My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
