Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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