If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My vagina is very pro this idea
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
