And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
