Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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