he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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