i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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