She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
