these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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