i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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