Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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