Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
