its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
