on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
