I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
