just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm like, not good at living.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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