Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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