My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
